I went to the optometrist for an eye exam a couple weeks ago. It was a new doctor and during the initial background questions I mentioned I'd recently had a baby. She asked if this was my first pregnancy and I answered yes before I could catch myself. I didn't correct my answer. It didn't seem necessary to bring up that awkward topic for a measly eye exam, but the truth is no, this wasn't my first pregnancy.
In October 2010 I miscarried my first baby at 8 weeks. It was heartbreaking. And over the next few months I felt like pregnancy and babies were all I could see. When I walked down the street, when I opened up facebook or looked at blogs, it seemed everyone was having babies except for me. As a matter of survival there were people (anyone who was pregnant) who's facebook feeds had to be blocked. I didn't want to be consumed by anger and jealousy, but in those early months when the pain was fresh it was so hard to be happy for others.
When a few months later I found my deepest wish had been granted and I was pregnant again, it was like finding an escape hatch from my grief. But I'd lost my innocence about pregnancy and was very aware that by broadcasting my happiness I was no doubt causing someone else pain. So I didn't say much on Facebook and didn't blog.
I really debated whether this is something I should share on my blog or not. Part of me cringes at the idea of talking about such personal things on such a public forum (although I think I can count on one hand the people who actually read this). But as I've found myself wanting to write about motherhood and giving in to the overwhelming desire to share cute baby pics on Facebook, I felt that I needed to be more open about having had a miscarriage. Especially since part of what makes it so hard is the way no one talks about it. I owed it to anyone who is where I was, who might stumble upon my words to say that no, it hasn't all been roses. I lost like so many others have, and I feel so blessed to be where I am today.
1 year ago