Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A getaway

Yes, after spending nights away from H while working shiftwork I decided that I might be ready to leave him with a sitter so James and I could get away for a night. So the grandparents were asked, a tentative date was planned, and I promplty forgot about it.

Now we're supposed to going THIS WEEKEND! Of course both James and I are coming down with something, H has had some really aweful nights, and I just can't imagine how this is going to work. But that's so much of parenthood, isn't it? Thinking 'I just can't possibly imagine how this will happen' and then whatever it is comes and things just work out. Somehow.

So I think we're going to soldier on barring us getting too sick (or coming down with a serious case of the cold feet). Wish us luck. And just for fun, can anyone guess the exotic location we chose for our one night getaway?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Collage crazy

So can you tell I just learned how to make collages on my iPhone? Haha. I finally found a good app for that called Diptic and now I'm hooked.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A trip to the pumpkin patch

Last weekend we met my parents in Steveston for the afternoon on a mission to find some pumpkins. It was the coldest day of the fall so far and there were tons of really cold rain showers all morning long, but somehow my desire to get out of the house was greater than my desire to stay dry so off we went. By some miracle we managed to avoid all the rain! And we has a great time walking around the town and discovering an awesome playground. So sometimes being a little crazy pays off.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

An update on H

After weeks of waiting we went back to the hospital for H's ABR test (Auditory Brainstem Response for those who are curious) this past Tuesday. And we found out ... that H has an ear infection. We couldn't do the test and have to wait until the fluid clears before they try it, and this can take up to a couple of months. Are. You. Kidding. Me.

So this means we still have no answers. I was really afraid that H wouldn't sleep long enough again (as that's why we didn't get complete results at the last test) and would have to come back for another test, so I woke H up early and kept him up through his morning nap so that by the time we got to the hospital he was exhausted. I tell you, that was a long morning. H was so tired he would fall asleep sitting up if I tried to read to him, and at one point was just crawling around crying. Oh, and did I mention he couldn't eat either? No fun. When the doctor looked in his ears and declared there was fluid and the beginning of an ear infection, I burst into tears. I mean, come on, this was our fifth failed attempt to measure his hearing. Is there no end to this?

We headed home with heavy hearts and an appointment to come back and have his ears checked in a month. If they are clear then we'll go for an ABR the next week. In the meantime we wait. Our very wonderful speech language pathologist suggested we start checking out the available early intervention centres in the area (there are three). And we go back to researching communication methods, which is a whole other blog post. And we get perhaps a little reprieve, because we don't really have to face anything concrete yet.

The discovery that there is fluid in his ears gives us an easy pass to denial-town, because of course he can't hear us if there is fluid in his ears, right? Oh this is dangerous. The fact is the audiologist is quite positive there is permanent hearing loss in both ears. And after the last few weeks working so hard to come to terms with this, hope, especially unsubstantiated hope, feels very risky. But my mama heart wants to cling to anything if it means my baby doesn't have to deal with this.

So I'll research, and learn signs, and read, sing and talk talk talk to my boy. And enjoy the delay of some of the more daunting aspects of this, like learning what exactly he hears and trying to get a very stubborn one year old to keep hearing aids in. And soak in the joy of spending my days with this face.

Friday, October 12, 2012

A day at the park

Yesterday I had the day off so H and I spent the day together. I wanted to do something fun, and first thought of going swimming. But with his hearing test just around the corner and the fact that he has just finally gotten rid of the runny nose he's had for two months, I decided not to risk it. Instead we headed over to the park to play, choosing our less frequented (and seemingly less fun) Victoria Park.

Maybe it was the clouds or the fact that it was a week day but we were the only ones there. And the thing about this park is that it has so many toys! I did not know this before I had a kid, but there seem to be toys that just live at the park. They are generally pretty beat up, and if the park is busy you have to fight for them, but otherwise it's pretty awesome. Victoria Park had not one, not two, but THREE ride on toys! And a huge selection of other it's too.

Victoria Park, you have been upgraded from a distant second place to a respectable second place behind my beloved Grandview Park. Hey, let's be serious. Until you get at least one coffee shop on your border for mama it's never going to be a fair fight.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012


We're having the most amazing weather this fall. Instead of our typical weeks of rain, we've had week upon week of sunshine. Though it's soon about to change, the beautiful weather hung around long enough to give us the warmest thanksgiving I can remember. Barefoot, sitting in the sunshine on the deck, and hanging out in the tent my dad put up in the backyard. It was a strange but wonderful way to spend a day when I did truly feel there is a lot to be thankful for.

Here's H playing with his Grandpa in their own little world.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Saturday Morning

A change of plans...

So. Where to begin? I tend to compose posts in my mind when I don't have easy access to a computer or time to write. I write and re-write many posts that never make it to 'print'. And over the past few weeks I figured by the time I made it to a computer (my laptop bit the dust recently which is seriously is annoying) I would write about the struggle I was having returning to work. How frusterating I was finding my job with it's crazy schedule, how I couldn't seem to keep on top laundry or groceries or dinner. It's amazing the difference a couple of weeks can make.

Two weeks ago I was knocked off my feet, swept out to sea by the news that my sweet baby boy now has permanent hearing loss in both ears. Although if I'm honest with myself I had my suspicions, I so desperately wanted it not be true that I clung to every instances that supported my belief that he could hear just fine. He had been born with hearing loss in one ear, and though learning that a year ago had been difficult I had reached a place where days or weeks would go by without thinking about it. As we approached the summer, H had a follow up with his speech language pathologist and we got the 'all clear' that his language was on track, just as we expected it would be. Then it was time to take him to have his hearing tested again, in a booth this time using puppets and music. There were one, two, three failed attempts to measure his hearing as the summer wore on. I wasn't concerned at all, until the final failed test and something in the audiologist's voice made me think back to how long it had been since we'd put a 'plus' in the hearing column. Did he turn when we called him? Look at us when we walked in the room? Get excited if he heard his dad playing guitar but couldn't see him? And before we knew it we were taking him to the hospital to have his hearing tested under sedation, and hearing the shocking words 'permanent hearing loss'. In both ears.

We're in a holding pattern now. We don't know the severeity of the loss so we need to go for more testing. We don't know the cause, so there are more tests coming for that too. We don't know what the future holds for our dear boy. Hearing aids? Sign language? Will he be able to play with other kids? Will he struggle in school? Will we watch him fall behind from his friends? And the big one, will this keep getting worse?

I don't really know how to handle any of this. I feel I could handle whatever comes my way, but for my child? When I stop and really think about it, I feel like the walls of my heart are caving in. Grief is such a funny emotion, and it ebbs and flows with almost no warning. I'll have days of feeling very positive, euphoric almost in my release from the sadness, then the most insignificant thing can sweep me back under water.

And yet, I know this is not really a tragedy. My boy is happy, healthy and full of life. There is almost nothing that I can think of that is out of his reach. And we're so lucky to know now and not later, after he's fallen behind. I've taken so much comfort from sharing what's going on in our life and have so lucky to feel the full support of my friends and family.

Still, it's strange and unfamiliar territory where I now find myself. It almost makes me laugh, looking back to a few weeks ago where I was feeling like I needed to change careers or go back to school. Well, I was looking for a change. It's not the one I expected, but I got what I asked for.